My mom passed away on Tuesday. I’m writing this mostly for myself trying to process this and thinking of our loving mom. It is still unbelievable to understand that she will no longer be with us. Feels like I can still pick up the phone and call her. I do believe that she somehow still is checking in on us, and is present in one form or another, not just in our thoughts. I was smoking on the balcony this morning and saw a big seagull on a roof across the street looking around. As we noticed each other, it spread its wings and flew away. Maybe that was mom just letting me know she was still around. Or maybe she tried to tell me to quit the damn cigarettes already!

Our mom was at the hospital for the past two weeks. She had been at home before then with some health issues. It was finally decided that she needed more treatment at a hospital. We all felt happy that they could get her more help there, and hopefully be pain free as well as regain her strength and then come back home. With Corona we were not allowed to visit her, but talked on the phone often. We kept our hopes up, but when you are old, recovery is slower. They treated her, but other symptoms and concerns arose, and she was getting weaker. 

On Monday night her doctor called and said we should come visit her at the hospital. They would arrange a private room to prevent us from being in contact with any other patients due to Corona. We understood then it was serious. Visits at the hospital are only allowed if the patient might not make it. It was me, my sister, nephew and his girlfriend. We tried to be strong for her, but it’s impossible to not cry when someone you love is at this stage. Mom said she was not in any pain which felt important. She was happy to see us all there. Then they said they were taking her for some more x-rays. They told us we better go home and they would contact us if anything happened. We talked with the nurses and doctor during night time. Mom was not getting better, but was stable. We were told we could come back in the morning.

On Tuesday, as soon as we woke up, we left for the hospital. Her doctor came in and said they were going to attempt a surgery. We were informed that since she was so weak, she might not wake up after the anesthesia. Still, this was the best option. We were told to go have a coffee and be back in 2 hours. As we came back they said mom was waking up from her anesthesia. They arranged a private room for mom and allowed us to be with her when she was waking up. They informed us that she was now in a serious stage and very weak. She wouldn’t even make it back to her room anymore. We held her hands and hugged her. Told her we were there and would stay by her side. That she could relax and that she would have no more pain now… 

But mom wasn’t ready to kick it just yet. She was wheeled back to her room. The doctor told us that mom would slowly fall asleep and her heart would then stop beating. They gave her morphine to make sure there was in no pain. Mom was very peaceful, and we sat by her talking and telling her how much we love her. What an amazing mom and grandma she is. Her breathing slowed down and she looked like she was sleeping. I told my sister I think she took her last breath then. She was still and had a peaceful expression on her face. Right then she took another breath. It was like she told us -”hey, don’t count me out just yet…”. Even though it was such a sad moment, it made us laugh in the middle of it. But that was it… Mom was now traveling to other horizons and no travel restrictions could stop her 🙂 We sat with her for some time having the feeling she would all of a sudden open her eyes. That this was not real…

The nurses said they would take all equipment and bandages off her. We could step out for a moment, but could come back in a bit. As we stepped out of the hospital, there was a beautiful sunset. Perfect time for mom to go to her next place… 

We got back and there was a light and an angel on a table next to mom. Mom looked as if she was calmly sleeping. We said our final goodbyes….

Love you Mom, and thank you for always being there for me! Loving me unconditionally. I keep thinking of all the memories and good times with you. What a fighter you were, and I think I inherited some of your stubbornness. I miss you so much, but I’m happy you are pain free now! 

See you in the future…

Puma