Tag: life

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New Blog in the Works!

My media storage here has run out of space, but I hired someone to move it where I can keep blasting you with more pics and vids in the future 🙂 It should be ready by next week!

This week was pretty great! Had an intro class for Pilates and loved it. Going to add some more pilates to my workouts! Also been doing the hot/cold therapy and finally managed to sit and breath somewhat normal for 20secs in 48 degree water! Next week I will try the cryo booth. I’m guessing I’ll walk in and be out before the door even closes LOL…

Was a bit stressed taking Hunter to the veterinarian for his teeth. He was a trooper obviously! Unfortunately they had to remove 2 teeth and one of them was his canine front tooth 🙁 His breath doesn’t smell like death anymore, so I guess his mouth health was lacking.

Shot a lot and I’m launching Puma’s Advent Calendar starting December 1st running until the 24th. It will be on the spicy site you all probably heard of (www.onlyfans.com/pumaswede). Just in case someone is looking to trade their chocolate calendar to something more fun. And healthier except if you have a heart condition maybe 😉 In short, you will get something spicy sent to you daily 🙂 Oh, if for some reason you don’t feel comfortable joining that site, message me and I can send an email for your daily surprises!

Also helped Angel shoot a couple of customs too. I’ll show you some fun pics next week 🙂

On the mention of chocolate… I’ve been without sugar for 2 weeks now. I only eat or make things sweetened with honey, vanilla extract, or maple syrup. No refined white sugar or cane sugar. It’s pretty crazy that almost everything contains sugar. Even most of the bacon in the store! And I obviously don’t eat or cook in seed oils. Only beef tallow, ghee, butter, olive or avocado oil. I’m patting myself on the shoulder writing this hahahaaa….

Went for a hike today in Calico Basin. Damn, it got cold here in Vegas and I even had to wear gloves. Got me in the Xmas spirit though, and going to find my lights and start decorating 🙂

Don’t have too many plans for this upcoming week. Work & play I guess 🙂 Fingers crossed that the change to the new page goes smoothly and that I can share it next week.

All the best, Puma

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Shoots, inspiration, LA…

I hope this week has started fabulously for you! It’s getting cooler here in Vegas and I love the feeling of fall. Still sunny and warm during the day, but mornings and evenings require my fuzzy onesie 🙂

Was over at Angel’s last week. A walk in the park first and then we watched the documentary about Victoria Beckham. It was great. The doggo’s were there too for scratches 🙂

In the documentary Victoria is prepping her big fashion show in Paris. Got inspired and got working on some clothing. It would be nice to have a few seamstresses like her, but I’m getting better 🙂 I can always count on Hunter even though he doesn’t offer much help…

Then had to do my main job that pays the bills…

Colder weather requires ‘warmer’ bikinis 😉

Also had such a fun shoot last night with Angel. Can’t wait to show you one of the things we shot. We made a remake of a classic, but with our own touch to it. #littleredridinghood. A BTS pic of Angel at work and me being me…

Been trying a lot of new recipes that I found on Instagram. My favorite so far – beef tartare, pasta carbonara and pulled pork tacos!

Found a semi healthy desert recipe I decided to try too. Started by dropping an egg so maybe it was destined to fail… It turned out drier than the Vegas desert. Ended up digging out the white chocolate pieces (can only be so healthy) I added and eating them, so it wasn’t a complete waste hahhaaa….

I love doing my walks now and seeing all the cool Halloween decorations people are putting up. I hung up my pig-head which is quite fitting don’t you think?

Since I sleep so bad at night, I require some naps. Hunter gets tired too from being a late night guard on our street and who knows what else…

Tomorrow I’m shooting first and then I’m off to LA. I found a rheumatologist there who seems great! I’ve done so much research and my unprofessional diagnosis is that I have Polymyalgia Rheumatica (PMR). The good thing about this is that it seems that it can be helped with medication and people have felt relief within hours. Also seems like you can taper off the meds and then get better with exercise and self care. It will be interesting to see if the rheumatologist agrees. If so I will just add Dr to my title!

I had a very nice fan send me this red light and have been sitting with it at night.

Now some breakfast and will attempt making a Hungarian Goulash today 🙂 Packing for tomorrow’s shoot and will be shooting in LA too so better find some clean panties 😉

XXX Puma

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Sphere, Sleazing and Museum…

The Sunday before yesterday I visited the Sphere for the first time. It was very cool! The movie ‘Wizard Of Oz’ was great in this setting. Projected all around you and onto the roof. There were leaves blowing inside when there was a storm and apples dropping from who knows where. Can’t wait to go and see a concert there!

On Labor Day I did nada! I think I was mostly reading… Did you do something fun?

A lot of my joints are hurting now and I wake up feeling like I would imagine a 98 year old feels like. Stiff and achy. Been using Gemini AI and decided it was time to go and get blood samples to see if I have an infection in my body. Got suggestions on what infections I should test for and made an appointment for Tuesday at 11am. Worth to note here is that you have to fast before which also means no coffee! I was pretty cranky and even crankier when they told me I actually need a doctors referal to get my blood drawn! I was pretty miserable when I walked out and my first priority was obviously to get caffeine! Been wanting to try a new place, The Coffee Class, and luckily it was just around the corner. I can say the place fixed my mood pretty instantly after the first sips of coffee and freshly baked goods – sugar that is!

I even took Angel there this week and it’s a new fav spot!

I’ve been going for walks to at least try to be a little bit active. Got these awesome barefoot shoes from a very sweet fan, and they are sooo comfy! It’s like walking with soft slippers on! Thank you very much 🙂

Had to put some more Botox in my face too. I loved waiting for my turn in one of their massage chairs. Could’ve easily napped there!

Did my fair share of sleazing too…

Not sure why the sound cuts off in the middle, but hopefully you can enjoy this video anyways 🙂 You prefer the “Morning Puma” or the “Done Up Puma”?

I finally got the referral for the blood tests too and the doctor added a few tests to it. I guess hobby doctor-ing and AI didn’t make me a fully qualified doctor LOL…

I have missed being creative with some art and crafts, so popped by Michael’s and shopped around a bit 🙂

Yesterday Angel & I went to the Infinity Museum. Very impressive and fun! The videos haven’t uploaded yet so I’ll put them here next week 🙂

The experience made us hungry so off to Settebello Pizza we went! The Nutella pizza was all Angel’s idea, but I still ate half hahhaaaa…

After I got home, I went straight into a food coma and passed out with Hunter!

I’ll leave you with some shameless selfies, Hunter attempting some play time and some silent lightning…

This is my birthday week wohoooo!!! My actual birthday is on Saturday and on Thursday I’m taking off to Montana! First time visiting there! Got any tips? Plan to hike and avoid being eaten by a bear!

That’s it! Catch ya later!

XXX Puma

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Sweden Finale…

Feels great to be back in Vegas! I miss my friends and family in Sweden the instant I leave, but I’ll go back or they’ll come visit soon I hope 🙂

My somewhat healthy eating habits went out the window while in Sweden. My favorite cafe in Sweden is called ‘Lisas Grabb’. Nicklas the owner, bakes everything fresh every morning and all the bakery stuff is so good! The service is also a bit different there. You pick you own plate and drink. No fancy coffee machines here, just good old brewed coffee and you fill your own cup. Or grab a soft drink from the refrigerator. When you are finished, you tell Nicklas what you ate and drank, and he rings you up.

Always the best to see and catch up with friends. Have been friends forever and I love them!

Also had a night with relatives and their significant others. Was just supposed to be a dinner, but ended up at some bar with too much of everything liquid hahhaaa… During the night plans were formed that they all are coming to visit in Vegas. They all agreed that the temperatures here need to cool down or they’d melt LOL…

Sweden provided some sunny days (or hours at least). Took my nephew’s son out to some outdoor pools. I made my sister swim with him because the water was pretty damn freezing. I prefer hot Vegas pools thank you very much 🙂 I took a cat nap in the meanwhile 🙂

Then there is the continuing issue with my shoulders. First off, thank you everyone that emailed me with suggestions on how to rehab them! A friend suggested acupuncture and I went twice. As you might know, I’m not a fan of needles, but it was OK. I believe acupuncture can help a lot of issues, but can’t say I got much relief. Worth a try though… Happy he didn’t puncture my ‘floaties’ while at it hahahaa…

I also saw a chiropractor the day before flying back. Seen him before and he is amazing. He thinks my issues are related to my posture. A bit heavy on the front, and that has caused my shoulders to pull forward. I now have a posture correction harness I try to strap on as often as I can. Very frustrating as I can’t sleep if I don’t take a painkiller before bed. During the day they feel pretty OK, but at night I get a throbbing pain in arms. I think my next step is to go for an MRI, to rule out any tears or whatever else they might find.

A couple of selfies and pics of Stockholm while gift shopping before returning to Vegas…

Guess who was very happy with me returning? Hunter 🙂 He stayed glued to me the first 2 days. He jet lagged with me on the couch too. You can question his choice of space hahhaaa….

Went to see Angel right away to drop off the chocolates I brought her. Ended up sharing them with her. We also went to a Tiki bar with some friends one night. Healthy living can start tomorrow!

Found this chocolate bar in my carry-on bag that I’ve forgotten about. I was going to snack on blueberries, but ended up wolfing down the chocolate bar. I reason that it’s better to not have any sugar in the house when trying to make healthy choices next week. So it was better I ate it, right?

Today I’m going to the Sphere for the first time! Going to see Wizard of Oz there. Super excited about it! Plans for next week is to get a mani/pedi, get back to work properly and try to figure out what to do about my shoulders. Oh, and healthy eating 🙂

Did I miss something while I was gone?

Wishing you a great Sunday and Happy Labour Day!

XXX Puma

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DMV, hair and finally Sweden

I consider myself a veteran traveller, and I still, I leave stuff to be handled to the last day or 2. First I had an appointment at DMV to get a Real ID, renew my drivers license and register my car in Vegas. I show up and get a big “NOPE” at the window! This because I didn’t bring all the paperwork needed. Yes, there probably information in the appointment email, but I obviously didn’t bother reading it. Only thing I could do was getting my VIN number checked which was behind the DMV office… Puma vs DMV = 0-1

At least I got my hair fixed! I liked that the dryer looked like I had a halo. Meet your holiness Puma 🙂

Last custom orders got shot too!

And at midnight before my flight I was packed and ready. I was aiming for only one packed bag, but ended up with 2.

Flying to Sweden went smoothly and landed at 8am the next day in Stockholm! I prefer arriving at my destination in the morning so no time is wasted!

My friend Linda picked me up at the airport and we spent the whole day together. Met up with my sister later and we went for meatballs, since that’s one meal I miss when not home. This place make them fresh every day. Served with the brown sauce, lingonberries and pickled cucumbers. YUMMY!

They also bake their cinnamon rolls fresh…

Jetlag has been put on hold. Met up with my cousin the next day and we went for a walk. Stockholm is a beautiful city surrounded by water.

Had to make a pitstop to avoid dehydration 🙂 My cousin is not as photogenic as I am, so he has to deal with a smiley over his face!

Walked a bit more and then went for food. I love beef tartar!

I haven’t really been eating any, or at least very little, sugar since I got home from Prague since there was an overkill of it there! I can’t resist to buy ‘lösgodis’ here though. The salty licorice candy is the best!

Had a bunch of girlfriends over for dinner this weekend. So much fun to catch up, so I forgot to take one single picture 🙁

On today’s schedule is to go and buy the last things for our hiking trip. Been looking at the weather forecast and it looks like it’s going to be pretty cold and some rain. Will try to keep my packing in my backpack to a maximum of 10kg. We have to bring more food this time, so I’m guessing I will end up at 11-12kg. Can’t wait to hit the trail!

Got an appointment booked with a Chinese Dr before our hike too. A friend recommended him, and I hope he can relieve some of the pain in my shoulders with acupuncture. Fingers crossed.

I hope everything with you is peachy! I’ll catch you after my hike in about 2 weeks from now unless I get lost up there 😉

XXX Puma

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Doctors, More Doctors, and Everything Else…

I feel that all I did last week was running to different doctors appointments. Unfortunately my shoulders are hurting pretty bad again. Wake up several times at night from pain, but get some relief from getting my cold sleeves from the refrigerator usually at around 4am, sliding them on and I can then get a couple more hours of sleep. Been Googling, ChatGPT’ing and getting advice from people who had rotator cuffs issues on what to do.

First off I was going to a rheumatologist. Never even heard about that. I was specific when booking it that I wanted cortisone shots in the front of my shoulders if they didn’t find any other issues with me. Long story short, I was seen by a student who after a few questions just said, yeah, probably a tear in your rotator cuffs. Asked if I wanted to do bloodwork for auto immune diseases. I said I emailed them my bloodwork from a month ago and maybe she can check if there were answers in there. “Naaah, there probably won’t be” she said and asked again if I wanted to bloodwork. I asked where the Dr is since I wanted to see if I can get cortisone shots. Turns out the Dr was not even there. At this point I just said thanks and left. I wrote them later about my experience, they apologized and I received a full refund.

Managed to find another orthopedic Doctor. The first place I went to before didn’t have any appointments until end of August. After examining me he didn’t want to give me Cortisone since the first shots should’ve taken care of the area where I have pain now. But I got stronger painkillers and muscle relaxers. Which he forgot to send to the pharmacy so I’m still waiting for them. Going to book an MRI for when I’m back from Sweden.

You woud think 2 appointments would be enough. Nope, got a UTI too so popped by an urgent care and popping antibiotics now. Does it sound like I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself? Yup, you’re correct! But came across this great quote – ‘pain is inevitable, suffering is optional’, so I try to keep that in mind and remind myself that it will get better! Makes me also think of people who have way worse conditions, pain, etc, so I’m going to cut my bitching right here!

Can’t just deal with pain. Had to be a bit vain too and get some Botox. Was recommended this great place from a friend and wrinkles are smoothing out as I write here 🙂

When not being at the doctors or being vain, work had to be taken care of 🙂

I’ve gone for walks which always makes the pain better and have done exercises at home. The other day when I got on the walking path around 2pm, I see a man standing in the grass watching his dog run around. Because it’s so hot at that time not many people walk the trail. I pretty soon realized that he is naked. I’m pretty close when he sees me and hastily bends down to pull on his shorts. I walk past and he greets me. I say hello back and continue walking hahahaaa… Not totally kosher I guess, but I didn’t get too nervous since he had a dog and just seemed to be a nudist!

Yesterday Hunter was lying on the sidewalk right outside the house. I hear yelling and I run outside. He is all puffed up and in staring contest with a woman and her dog on a leash. All of a sudden he bluff charges them. I yell at him and he luckily comes to me and lets out a little growl while not breaking eye contact with the intruders on our street. I asked the woman if they were OK? Luckily she was chill and nothing happened. I apologized for my ‘sons’ behavior and I think he was guarding our house as their car was parked right by my drive way. When we were inside I gave him a treat and said he was a good boy protecting our street and house LOL… He was not too upset though and lied down outside on my broken umbrella that fell over. Yeah, it will be trashed later than sooner…

Also went by REI yesterday to look at some hiking gear for my trip to Sweden. My shoulders will somehow have to survive the hiking trip, because I’m too excited about it! I’m thinking of getting this backpack since the one I have is for men, and not a perfect fit.

Other than that, I observed and helped Greg when he was shooting Angel this week. He is so good and creative and he lets me experiment too under his watchful eye 🙂 Got a hair appointment tomorrow, seeing Angel, and then DMV on Tuesday. Got to pack too and as European weather is very moody, better bring something for every possible season! This is how I feel when I think about packing… I ‘d rather nap!

Hope you are in good health and if you got leftovers of it, send it my way 😉 Will write to you from Sweden next week!

Hugs, Puma

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Eye Surgery in Prague

I’m alive and eyes are almost recovered! Which is pretty amazing considering how I looked after. Looked like I went cage fighting with a tiger, or 5 of them!

After arriving here in Prague, shooting for 2 days, me and Angel took he train to Olomouc to go see the surgeon. He wanted to see me before the surgery to see what he was getting into.

His name is Adam and he is an oculoplastic surgeon. He actually works mostly on functional surgeries on patients that needs reconstructive surgery on their eyes after say cancer, accidents etc. But also cosmetic surgeries as mine. I had face-timed with him from Vegas and instantly liked him. Knowledgable and professional!

So, last week me and Angel rented a car and as the first rate friend she is, she drove me to Olomouc for the surgery. About 2,5h from Prague.

Got checked in and Angel translated all the paperwork for me which was in Czech. The anesthesiologist came in and explained how the sedation was going to work. Basically I would be almost out, but be able to communicate with them during the surgery. So not fully asleep.

The surgeon came in too and I wanted to point out how much excess skin there was and tell him not to be afraid to cut that stuff off. He asked if I still wanted to be able to close my eyes? LOL, end of discussion…

That was about it, before they took me away and in to the surgery room. I already had a drip in my arm and they added the sedation to it. All I can say is WOW! All I remember is that the visuals I had was like a great acid trip hahhaaaa…. I don’t remember anything until I wake up in my room and Angel was there. Pretty groggy, hard to open my eyes, but felt good and no pain 🙂

We packed up and back to Prague we went 🙂

Been sleeping with a pregnancy pillow to stay upright. The surgeon said that they had to sedate me extra during surgery cause I was getting restless and that I would probably feel it and be tired. Slept like a bruised up Sleeping Beauty who been punched out by Rocky Balboa!

I got eyedrops with antibiotic that I have to take 4 times a day. Was hard to open the eyes the next morning, but with the drops and some ice packs I managed!

They have amazing food here in Czech and Angels sister is also an amazing cook, so at least I wasn’t starving 🙂

The cotton puffs next to my nose are to support the fat the moved around under my eyes, That goes for the tape too. The ones next to eyes were to collect fluids after the surgery.

2nd day felt pretty much like the first one. It looks painful, but I didn’t experience any pain at all during this whole time and I didn’t take any painkillers.

3rd day. Even ventured outside for bit.

Since I’m smart, and had surgery with a touch of laziness, I hired Angels sisters kid as an assistant. He is the best! He made me coffees, brought water and made this amazing snack platter for me and Angel! He is obviously charging me and he writes everything he does down on a paper and how much it costs. Luckily he is reasonably priced hahahaa…

4th day. I think this one banana is the healthiest thing I’ve eaten during my whole time here hahhaaaa… We hit the mall and I found IKEA and kanel gifflar. Life is good! They might be the 2nd best thing coming from Sweden. You do know what the number one export from Sweden is right?!?

By the time we hit the toy store for the kids I had to recoup for a bit…

Lots of icing…

By the 5th day I felt pretty normal. Just ignore the mess in the background, my morning hair and appreciate my style of fashion!

We were a gang that went to an amazing Argentinian steakhouse in Old Town this past weekend. Also Angels mom took us to town shopping yesterday. We were out for 12h in total and now need an extra suitcase to get all my stuff home LOL…

Now we are sitting on the train back to Olomouc to remove my stitches. Wohooo, very excited about that cause they itch now. I like how they roll here and serve you bubbly on the train 🙂 Cheers from us!

We done so much here and I’ll try to get all the rest down in a post this weekend. Going to take a nap on the train now before we arrive in Olomouc. Wishing you the best for the rest of the week!

Kisses, Puma

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Productive Week!

I like when at the end of the week I feel that I’ve been productive and gotten stuff done. Not just work, but gym, hanging with friends, and spending some time outdoors… I regularly assess what makes me happy and content outside of work, and usually topping my list is being outdoors. What’s topping your list?

Yesterday I tried a new hike. Even though there were pics of a creek on google maps, it was dried up out there. But sitting on a rock and enjoying the stillness, fresh air and quietness resets me 🙂

Obviously spending time with Hunter makes me happy and here’s our weekly shenanigans which mostly consist of napping. I built him this fabulous ‘tent’ too where he likes to hide and sometime sneak attack from…

Oh, and I think Hunter has a girlfriend now. This is a pic from my neighbor with his cat Princess 🙂 Love is in the air….

Had some fun with Joslyn James this week too. Only a couple of BTS pics of me so far 🙂

And some pics I shot last week. There seems to be a theme, me cleaning which I really don’t like doing! But I’m good at pretending 🙂

And since this is a blog about me, more me….

I rocked at pickleball this week! So much fun and just booked a lesson for this upcoming week too so hopefully I keep it up 🙂 Maybe it’s my new pickleball hat?

Today I was invited to King von Nuggets 10-year birthday party 🙂 It was a brunch and it was great. Didn’t get a great pic of the birthday boy but he is a lively doggo for being 10 years!

Got my blood drawn and survived. Had to get extra coffee to get the energy going, but still crashed after 🙂 But good volume on the hair though hahhaaa…

This week is going to be busy. Leaving for Prague on Friday and before that I have to get tested since I’m shooting there. Shooting the last of my custom orders before leaving, getting my hair and nails done, squeezing in pickleball and then packing. Knowing European weather, you need to pack for cold, wind, rain and possibly summer clothes 🙂

Now some homemade tacos for dinner 🙂

XXX Puma

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Cloning Privates, Pool, Food & Drinks…

Monday mornings are usually reserved for pickleball and I showed up pretty pink 🙂

Had friends in town and we tried out Casa Playa at the Wynn. Very cozy restaurant and the food was great too. They have a small dog named Lucy that eeeeverybody adored! I wish I could bring Hunter with me everywhere, but I think he enjoys peace and quiet more…

Last week we had some hot days here in Vegas so I did a pool day with Angel and Kayla. Not to forget Angels dogs who love the sun as much as we do! This one is Henney 🙂

Hunter loves the sun too in moderation and prefers to enjoy it from my neighbours backyard. It’s so funny. When I can’t see him, I look out from my bathroom window and find him chilling at the neighbours hahahaa…

He loves his morning cuddles and I think he sees me as his personal assistant (aka slave) at times! Here holding his head up so he can be comfortable 🙂

There was a small mishap with my last delivery from the Amish farm. Somehow my delivery was scheduled to LA. Luckily a fellow customer was nice and offered to drive it halfway to Vegas for me to pick it up. Still a 4h drive back and forth! Anywaaaays, I got my pork shoulder and I made amazing pulled pork. Yes, I’m definitely bragging! Used it for tacos and it was sooo goood! More bragging… And Hunter loved it too as he has to sample everything!

Jennifer Dark was in town so me &. Angel took her to Body20 to try it out.

Invited them them over for some pulled pork after. But first Hunter!

Shoots this week too…

Then we got creative and cloned our ‘special parts’ hahahaaa… I have to say they turned out amazing and it was so much fun! And messy LOL… Since I’m trying to keep this blog pg safe, the messy pics and video of this will be up shortly on my OF page 🙂

While on the shooting topic, me, Kayla and Angel also shot for Ken Marcus yesterday. As the legend he is, he knew exactly what he wanted and we worked hard! My legs are sore today from getting into and holding some of the poses. Just have a couple of BTS pics for now…

Got to let your hair down at times too. Finally got to visit the famous Golden Tiki Bar with my Swedish friend Cathrine. It is supercool! Fun cocktails, the decor is right up my alley and my favorite is the wallpaper in the bathroom!

Leftovers and some wisdom at the end 🙂

Got a session at Body20 today and just might top it off with some pickleball. Took out a whole beef tenderloin from the freezer that I have to Google on how to cook. Otherwise I don’t have so much planned for this week… Just realized it’s April Fools Day today! Did you fool anyone yet? I’ll let you know next week if I pull any jokes on anyone today hehehheee…

Wishing you a great week!

XXX Puma

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The Trip

So the big journey took place on Friday. I journaled before and really tried to set and clarify my intentions. Something that I questioned is what should I focus on? Is it photography or something else? I also wrote and said that I have fear, but I don’t know about what… I talked to Stacey, our facilitator, about how in my recent journeys with psychedelics I have felt fear/anxiety going into my trips. Fear of going to dark places. Nothing has been revealed when I’ve been in the ‘darkness’, mostly just feeling unease.

Mushrooms being measured in to individual doses by Troy and Jamie…

At 6.34pm I ate 5,5 grams of dried mushrooms and drank mushroom tea that was about 2 grams. Stacey suggested 7 gr when we talked, but my fear kicked in and we agreed on 5 gr. When I realized that I would be taking 7 gr after all, I decided to go with it. I felt pretty calm. In my mind I was saying I wanted it to be a good trip. Beautiful visuals and just feeling good. 

It kicked in really fast for me (it always does) and I laid down and closed my eyes. The first thought I remember coming to me when I felt the effect was – promise yourself to never do psychedelics ever again, but then I started to have beautiful visuals and I was like, oh yes, this is going to be a great trip! Why would I not want to trip ever again in my life? I had 2 miniature guys that kept talking to me and I started asking them questions on what I should focus on. Is it photography? Will something else come up? They kind of just laughed and said that I can do whatever I want. I think we were in Vegas. Then I saw and visited a very light place, like a cave that felt like peace. 

Then it was like the mushrooms decided that hey, let’s stop bullshitting around and deal with the real issue – your fear. I have always said “mushrooms don’t give you what you want, they give you what you need…” But I never experienced that, until now! I don’t exactly remember what I saw visually, I think it was mostly feeling fear, anxiousness and it being dark. I started to move and tried to get comfortable in my body. At one point I came to and my face was covered in tears without me realizing I’ve been crying. I think the mushrooms let me take a breather and then took me back in. At one point I came to and I was covered in sweat. I thought about calling for Stacey or Jamie to check on me. But I decided to just keep laying down and went back in.

At one point I was going in circles in my mind. I came back to the first thought, made conclusions and then I was back again. It was scary and I remember thinking I might never come out of this. Is this forever? I know from previous journeys that there are no other options than surrendering and pushing through. They played very calm music, and at times the music was quiet, making time stretch, and there were just my thoughts. I kept thinking, please put the music back on. I knew it was just a short break between songs, but it felt like the quietness lasted forever. Very hard to handle. I tried to guess how much time had passed and had to accept that I still probably had a lot of time left.

I think I finally started to come back and Stacey had in her notes that it was around 10.30pm. I needed to go to the bathroom and I was walked to one by Jamie. The floor was morphing so much. Going to the bathroom took me out of it a bit and I decided to put my headphones on and listen to my own music. I got up and started to move and dance a little. I remember thinking I was so fucking happy I was out of it and alive! I had a feeling that I went through hell and made it through. Felt relief and a feeling that I can make it through anything! Cyril was the only one left out on the chairs. I then started to dance more and then rocked out. I sat down at times and thought about my mom. First I wanted to brush it off, but decided to really take that in, sit with it and concentrate on my mom. The pain and hardships she went through. I realized I caused her a lot of worry. I cried. 

In the end I sat by the pool just thinking about my experience and what I went through… All of a sudden I noticed this little bug crawling around me. Then there was more and it felt like they were all coming towards me. Not scary, just feeling that maybe I was connected to everything. 

I think I went into my room around 12.30 am. Then Cyril came knocking and we went sitting outside and we talked about our experiences. He went through a big trip as well. 

At 2 am I decided it was time for bed. I saw a lot of creatures when I closed my eyes, but I fell asleep fast and slept the whole night through… 

So what do I feel now? I am more present and feel that I don’t need to know exactly where I’m headed or what’s next for me. It will be revealed if I have patience and stay open. I had a knot in my stomach before and Mama Orah said that our feelings a lot of times express themselves in our stomachs. I don’t have that anymore. I don’t feel fear or anxiety anymore. I will definitely keep doing psychedelics and appreciate the trip I went through even though it was a hard one. I think I have one more big trip ahead of me that is about forgiving someone. But who knows, maybe the mushrooms will take me elsewhere… 

Also made a decision when returning home to move. I’m moving to Utah. I’ll save that for the next post, but I’m very excited about it!!!

Hope your weekend has been superb!

XXX Puma

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