Tag: mental-health

Posted on

Sphere, Sleazing and Museum…

The Sunday before yesterday I visited the Sphere for the first time. It was very cool! The movie ‘Wizard Of Oz’ was great in this setting. Projected all around you and onto the roof. There were leaves blowing inside when there was a storm and apples dropping from who knows where. Can’t wait to go and see a concert there!

On Labor Day I did nada! I think I was mostly reading… Did you do something fun?

A lot of my joints are hurting now and I wake up feeling like I would imagine a 98 year old feels like. Stiff and achy. Been using Gemini AI and decided it was time to go and get blood samples to see if I have an infection in my body. Got suggestions on what infections I should test for and made an appointment for Tuesday at 11am. Worth to note here is that you have to fast before which also means no coffee! I was pretty cranky and even crankier when they told me I actually need a doctors referal to get my blood drawn! I was pretty miserable when I walked out and my first priority was obviously to get caffeine! Been wanting to try a new place, The Coffee Class, and luckily it was just around the corner. I can say the place fixed my mood pretty instantly after the first sips of coffee and freshly baked goods – sugar that is!

I even took Angel there this week and it’s a new fav spot!

I’ve been going for walks to at least try to be a little bit active. Got these awesome barefoot shoes from a very sweet fan, and they are sooo comfy! It’s like walking with soft slippers on! Thank you very much 🙂

Had to put some more Botox in my face too. I loved waiting for my turn in one of their massage chairs. Could’ve easily napped there!

Did my fair share of sleazing too…

Not sure why the sound cuts off in the middle, but hopefully you can enjoy this video anyways 🙂 You prefer the “Morning Puma” or the “Done Up Puma”?

I finally got the referral for the blood tests too and the doctor added a few tests to it. I guess hobby doctor-ing and AI didn’t make me a fully qualified doctor LOL…

I have missed being creative with some art and crafts, so popped by Michael’s and shopped around a bit 🙂

Yesterday Angel & I went to the Infinity Museum. Very impressive and fun! The videos haven’t uploaded yet so I’ll put them here next week 🙂

The experience made us hungry so off to Settebello Pizza we went! The Nutella pizza was all Angel’s idea, but I still ate half hahhaaaa…

After I got home, I went straight into a food coma and passed out with Hunter!

I’ll leave you with some shameless selfies, Hunter attempting some play time and some silent lightning…

This is my birthday week wohoooo!!! My actual birthday is on Saturday and on Thursday I’m taking off to Montana! First time visiting there! Got any tips? Plan to hike and avoid being eaten by a bear!

That’s it! Catch ya later!

XXX Puma

Posted on

Doctors, More Doctors, and Everything Else…

I feel that all I did last week was running to different doctors appointments. Unfortunately my shoulders are hurting pretty bad again. Wake up several times at night from pain, but get some relief from getting my cold sleeves from the refrigerator usually at around 4am, sliding them on and I can then get a couple more hours of sleep. Been Googling, ChatGPT’ing and getting advice from people who had rotator cuffs issues on what to do.

First off I was going to a rheumatologist. Never even heard about that. I was specific when booking it that I wanted cortisone shots in the front of my shoulders if they didn’t find any other issues with me. Long story short, I was seen by a student who after a few questions just said, yeah, probably a tear in your rotator cuffs. Asked if I wanted to do bloodwork for auto immune diseases. I said I emailed them my bloodwork from a month ago and maybe she can check if there were answers in there. “Naaah, there probably won’t be” she said and asked again if I wanted to bloodwork. I asked where the Dr is since I wanted to see if I can get cortisone shots. Turns out the Dr was not even there. At this point I just said thanks and left. I wrote them later about my experience, they apologized and I received a full refund.

Managed to find another orthopedic Doctor. The first place I went to before didn’t have any appointments until end of August. After examining me he didn’t want to give me Cortisone since the first shots should’ve taken care of the area where I have pain now. But I got stronger painkillers and muscle relaxers. Which he forgot to send to the pharmacy so I’m still waiting for them. Going to book an MRI for when I’m back from Sweden.

You woud think 2 appointments would be enough. Nope, got a UTI too so popped by an urgent care and popping antibiotics now. Does it sound like I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself? Yup, you’re correct! But came across this great quote – ‘pain is inevitable, suffering is optional’, so I try to keep that in mind and remind myself that it will get better! Makes me also think of people who have way worse conditions, pain, etc, so I’m going to cut my bitching right here!

Can’t just deal with pain. Had to be a bit vain too and get some Botox. Was recommended this great place from a friend and wrinkles are smoothing out as I write here 🙂

When not being at the doctors or being vain, work had to be taken care of 🙂

I’ve gone for walks which always makes the pain better and have done exercises at home. The other day when I got on the walking path around 2pm, I see a man standing in the grass watching his dog run around. Because it’s so hot at that time not many people walk the trail. I pretty soon realized that he is naked. I’m pretty close when he sees me and hastily bends down to pull on his shorts. I walk past and he greets me. I say hello back and continue walking hahahaaa… Not totally kosher I guess, but I didn’t get too nervous since he had a dog and just seemed to be a nudist!

Yesterday Hunter was lying on the sidewalk right outside the house. I hear yelling and I run outside. He is all puffed up and in staring contest with a woman and her dog on a leash. All of a sudden he bluff charges them. I yell at him and he luckily comes to me and lets out a little growl while not breaking eye contact with the intruders on our street. I asked the woman if they were OK? Luckily she was chill and nothing happened. I apologized for my ‘sons’ behavior and I think he was guarding our house as their car was parked right by my drive way. When we were inside I gave him a treat and said he was a good boy protecting our street and house LOL… He was not too upset though and lied down outside on my broken umbrella that fell over. Yeah, it will be trashed later than sooner…

Also went by REI yesterday to look at some hiking gear for my trip to Sweden. My shoulders will somehow have to survive the hiking trip, because I’m too excited about it! I’m thinking of getting this backpack since the one I have is for men, and not a perfect fit.

Other than that, I observed and helped Greg when he was shooting Angel this week. He is so good and creative and he lets me experiment too under his watchful eye 🙂 Got a hair appointment tomorrow, seeing Angel, and then DMV on Tuesday. Got to pack too and as European weather is very moody, better bring something for every possible season! This is how I feel when I think about packing… I ‘d rather nap!

Hope you are in good health and if you got leftovers of it, send it my way 😉 Will write to you from Sweden next week!

Hugs, Puma

Posted on

The Trip

So the big journey took place on Friday. I journaled before and really tried to set and clarify my intentions. Something that I questioned is what should I focus on? Is it photography or something else? I also wrote and said that I have fear, but I don’t know about what… I talked to Stacey, our facilitator, about how in my recent journeys with psychedelics I have felt fear/anxiety going into my trips. Fear of going to dark places. Nothing has been revealed when I’ve been in the ‘darkness’, mostly just feeling unease.

Mushrooms being measured in to individual doses by Troy and Jamie…

At 6.34pm I ate 5,5 grams of dried mushrooms and drank mushroom tea that was about 2 grams. Stacey suggested 7 gr when we talked, but my fear kicked in and we agreed on 5 gr. When I realized that I would be taking 7 gr after all, I decided to go with it. I felt pretty calm. In my mind I was saying I wanted it to be a good trip. Beautiful visuals and just feeling good. 

It kicked in really fast for me (it always does) and I laid down and closed my eyes. The first thought I remember coming to me when I felt the effect was – promise yourself to never do psychedelics ever again, but then I started to have beautiful visuals and I was like, oh yes, this is going to be a great trip! Why would I not want to trip ever again in my life? I had 2 miniature guys that kept talking to me and I started asking them questions on what I should focus on. Is it photography? Will something else come up? They kind of just laughed and said that I can do whatever I want. I think we were in Vegas. Then I saw and visited a very light place, like a cave that felt like peace. 

Then it was like the mushrooms decided that hey, let’s stop bullshitting around and deal with the real issue – your fear. I have always said “mushrooms don’t give you what you want, they give you what you need…” But I never experienced that, until now! I don’t exactly remember what I saw visually, I think it was mostly feeling fear, anxiousness and it being dark. I started to move and tried to get comfortable in my body. At one point I came to and my face was covered in tears without me realizing I’ve been crying. I think the mushrooms let me take a breather and then took me back in. At one point I came to and I was covered in sweat. I thought about calling for Stacey or Jamie to check on me. But I decided to just keep laying down and went back in.

At one point I was going in circles in my mind. I came back to the first thought, made conclusions and then I was back again. It was scary and I remember thinking I might never come out of this. Is this forever? I know from previous journeys that there are no other options than surrendering and pushing through. They played very calm music, and at times the music was quiet, making time stretch, and there were just my thoughts. I kept thinking, please put the music back on. I knew it was just a short break between songs, but it felt like the quietness lasted forever. Very hard to handle. I tried to guess how much time had passed and had to accept that I still probably had a lot of time left.

I think I finally started to come back and Stacey had in her notes that it was around 10.30pm. I needed to go to the bathroom and I was walked to one by Jamie. The floor was morphing so much. Going to the bathroom took me out of it a bit and I decided to put my headphones on and listen to my own music. I got up and started to move and dance a little. I remember thinking I was so fucking happy I was out of it and alive! I had a feeling that I went through hell and made it through. Felt relief and a feeling that I can make it through anything! Cyril was the only one left out on the chairs. I then started to dance more and then rocked out. I sat down at times and thought about my mom. First I wanted to brush it off, but decided to really take that in, sit with it and concentrate on my mom. The pain and hardships she went through. I realized I caused her a lot of worry. I cried. 

In the end I sat by the pool just thinking about my experience and what I went through… All of a sudden I noticed this little bug crawling around me. Then there was more and it felt like they were all coming towards me. Not scary, just feeling that maybe I was connected to everything. 

I think I went into my room around 12.30 am. Then Cyril came knocking and we went sitting outside and we talked about our experiences. He went through a big trip as well. 

At 2 am I decided it was time for bed. I saw a lot of creatures when I closed my eyes, but I fell asleep fast and slept the whole night through… 

So what do I feel now? I am more present and feel that I don’t need to know exactly where I’m headed or what’s next for me. It will be revealed if I have patience and stay open. I had a knot in my stomach before and Mama Orah said that our feelings a lot of times express themselves in our stomachs. I don’t have that anymore. I don’t feel fear or anxiety anymore. I will definitely keep doing psychedelics and appreciate the trip I went through even though it was a hard one. I think I have one more big trip ahead of me that is about forgiving someone. But who knows, maybe the mushrooms will take me elsewhere… 

Also made a decision when returning home to move. I’m moving to Utah. I’ll save that for the next post, but I’m very excited about it!!!

Hope your weekend has been superb!

XXX Puma

Posted on

Redesign, Old Friends, LSD…

The blog is looking weird because I’m trying to redesign it. I don’t really have patience for it, so I give it like 10 minutes here and there and not making much progress… But I’ll get there eventually!

Went to Chapultepec park last Sunday for some fresh air. Mostly I was sweating and the whole park is more yellow/brownish than green now because it feels hotter than a Finnish sauna here! Even the dogs had shoes on to protect their paws. Not sure what the goggles were for though…

In the afternoon I finally got to meet Milla’s cat. She claims he’s soooo cute. I’m not totally convinced. He’s no Hunter, but he was playful and fun so that compensates for him being hairless 😉

I had the studio at the school booked and made Ximena patiently model for me while I was trying out different lighting options, settings, patterns, positions etc. So much to figure out and I was totally exhausted after! Here’s a couple of samples…

I got a text from a girl, Sarah, that I met at a wedding in St Barths 10 years ago that she is in Mexico now. I remember her being funny and us getting along so we decided to meet up. At the wedding pre-party I ‘accidentally’ asked the bride’s mom if she liked anal sex (we were all joking around and she was goading me to ask her something shocking) and that almost resulted in me getting kicked out of the wedding. I wrote about it before at another blog I had, anyone here remember the story? Anyways, at the time, Sarah just laughed about it and we actually ended up leaving the wedding and going to a club. So much to catch up over dinner…

Since Sarah is a fitness coach and in great shape we also hit the gym. Great workout and I’m still sore…

We also hit some stores and smoothies…

I always see videos of people’s cats squeezing themself into boxes. Hunter has never been interested until now. I guess this box just fit him perfectly and now he likes to nap in it at times 🙂

Edited this set from the love hotel in Japan, the second set is some of this weeks smuttiness and then me trying to catch a ride on the street 🙂

I have a friend here that is very knowledgeable about all of the many psychedelics. He is regularly invited to ceremonies abroad with tribes of indigenous people. He facilitated a Changa ceremony for me and a friend last year which was amazing. I get all my psychedelics from him. Yesterday I went back and got 2 different LSD microdoses. Popped one right away and felt great rest of the night 🙂

I think this upcoming week will be great. I met a fetish/dom model here last week and she is supercool and this Wednesday we will shoot together 🙂

Meeting a photographer this week that I have asked to shadow/assist to learn more about photography and lighting.

Have more friends coming to town, a birthday party, and hopefully deciding about a moving too 🙂 Utah is the spot now!

OK, going to try design this blog a bit now and maybe next week it will look a bit better 🙂 Or not… My food intake has been pretty healthy this week, but then this Cheesecake happened hahahaaa…

Go be amazing or tell someone else they’re amazing!

XXX Puma

Proudly powered by WordPress